you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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