He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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