she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
