margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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