If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
