New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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