You're my little dorito
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
