Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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