i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
farters have to be the big spoon...
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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