so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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