Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
