the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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