I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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