she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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