not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
God, I missed his penis.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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