i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
the liver wants what the liver wants
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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