I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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