his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
