So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
