How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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