the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
