I can tuck mytits in my pants
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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