youre lurking in front of me
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
