Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
