So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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