I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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