Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
