God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
