if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
My bed smells like the plague
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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