My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
