Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
