I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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