I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
