oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
