I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
