I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
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Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize