I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
