I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
only you would photoshop your dick
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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