chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
