And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
