Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
