I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
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Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
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