im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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