I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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