I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Help. Why am I so naked?
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