Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
