i wish peter jackson would direct porn
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
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