You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
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