I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
