If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
