Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
