im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
