dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
