Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
