My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
