i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
