Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
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