All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
