Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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