life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Did you just see the Batmobile???
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
