dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
