That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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