My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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