Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
